Bittersweet
by Ruby-Jo Grapefruit
Summary: "Bittersweet. The word came into her mind again. Being able to spend so much time with him, but never to be with him in that way." Oneshot.


_**A/N:**____**This**____**idea**____**has**____**been**____**playing**____**on**____**my**____**mind**____**for**____**a**____**while,**____**and**____**I**____**wanted**____**to**____**write**____**it**____**down.**____**Thanks**____**to**____**my**____**new**____**beta**____**reader**____**Jaz**____**for**____**this!**____**I**____**own**____**nothing.**_

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_Bittersweet._

That was exactly the word to describe it, how she was feeling, in this situation now... watching him, laughing, the corners of his eyes crinkling up in the way she loved so much. He was sat back easily in the armchair, hands behind his head, legs splayed apart, talking to James. Neither of them were looking at her, so she took the chance to sneak another glance, drinking in the sight of him, the man she was in love with...

Sirius Black. The man who wasn't her husband.

She didn't need anyone to tell her how wrong it was, what a horrible person she is. How could she be married to one man, and be in love with another? Oh, but she had started going out with James before she realised her true feelings about his best friend, and by then it was too late. James was so in love with her, she knew, and she didn't want to hurt him. And there was no way Sirius would ever want her; his best friend's girlfriend... wife. He didn't feel that way about her. In fact, he probably barely even thought about her at all.

She knew all this, but it didn't mean it didn't hurt.

They had stopped talking. James had come to stand behind her, wrapping his arms around her, his hands on her bulging belly. She smiled, clasping her own hands tightly over his, willing the tears not to come. She was pregnant, six months gone, with James' child... and she was wishing it was someone else's.

She was a terrible person.

So many times she had wanted to tell James, to walk away. But what good would it do? James would be heartbroken, and she, Lily, would gain nothing except the hatred of James' friends for cruelly abandoning the man who would give up his life for her.

Bittersweet. Getting to spend so much time with him, but never being able to tell him how she felt. Sometimes she felt it would be better to just avoid him as much as she could, so she wouldn't have to go through the pain of wanting what she couldn't have... but that would arouse suspicion, of course. And sometimes it was worth it, just to be there looking at him, like she was now.

James had already named him godfather to the baby, of course. They didn't know yet whether it was to be a boy or a girl; they wanted it to be a surprise. Or at least, James did. Lily was fed up of surprises.

"Don't you want to know, so we can decide on names and everything?" Lily had asked. She was feeling stressed; she just wanted to get it over with.

"No, I think it's more fun if we wait, so it can be a surprise," James had replied. Lily had put her hands protectively over her stomach. She knew she would love her child so much when he or she was born, no matter who the father was. But still she couldn't help but wish...

He was getting up to go, and Lily wanted to scream, to throw her arms around him and prevent him from leaving, wanted to tell him that she loved him and she wanted to raise her child with him... but she just smiled and waved goodbye while James hugged her from behind.

That night when they went to bed, James went to put his arms around her, but she shrugged him off, on the pretence that the baby was making her feel sore. James was the kind of person who craved closeness, who wanted to constantly hug and touch her. She was more detached, not comfortable with showing her emotions. Although maybe she would feel different if she was with someone else...

Banishing these thoughts, she rolled over to face away from James. She knew he would be hurt, but tonight she didn't care. She just wanted to fall asleep and dream about the man she wished was here with her instead...

James knew something was wrong the next morning, she could tell. She cursed herself for slipping up - she had gotten so good at masking her emotions that sometimes she even thought she could fool herself. Then she would see him again and the vicious cycle would continue...

"You OK?" James asked as she dressed in silence.

She forced herself to smile. "Just the baby making me feel run down."

James kissed her on the cheek and she had to force herself not to pull away. What was she doing? She didn't love him, she never would... surely he would be better off without her, and she wouldn't have to live a lie any more...

But she watched him getting ready for work, humming to himself, a little grin on his face, and she couldn't bring herself to do it. He had everything he had ever wanted, why ruin it for him? It's not as if she would ever get what she wanted, after all.

She spent her days reading, or sitting in the garden, daydreaming, breathing in the warm spring air and allowing her imagination to run away with her. Not too far, though - a lot of the time she would imagine that she was married to Sirius, not James, and the child she was bearing was his - but that kind of imagining caused too much hurt, and she would feel like she couldn't breathe from the unfairness of it all. Why was she the only person who couldn't have what she wanted? James was happy as her husband, Sirius was happy without a wife or girlfriend - why couldn't she just be happy too? What was wrong with her?

The tears started to flow freely as she sat on the porch seat outside, and she bent her head over and wept as she stroked her belly. Her baby, her poor baby... how could she be so heartless as to be wishing it was someone else's? Wouldn't she love him or her as much if they looked like James? She would, of course she would, she had too, she wouldn't be that terrible a mother...

"Lily?"

Her head jerked up at once. She knew who it was before she even saw him.

Sirius was standing at the back doorway, concern written all over his face. "Are you OK? James sent me over, to see if you were... what's wrong?"

Lily's eyes had welled up with tears again, and she waved a hand. "I'm fine. You can go, Sirius."

"You're not fine," Sirius stated. He came over to sit next to her and put his arm around her, making Lily's heart jump into her throat. It was purely a friendly gesture, completely innocent, but her heart started beating just that little bit faster.

"What's up, Lily? You know you can talk to me," Sirius said concernedly. "James is worried about you, you know. He wanted me to keep an eye on you."

"It's nothing," Lily said, forcing herself to smile. "Just... just the pregnancy, making me feel a bit down. You know, it sends your hormones all over the place."

Sirius looked as if he didn't believe her, but decided to take her word for it. However, just as she was about to get to her feet, he grabbed her chin and forced her head up, so she was looking straight into his eyes.

"Lily, you can tell me _anything_," he stressed, his eyes boring into hers. She felt as though she were melting. "I'm always here if you want to talk."

She didn't know what came over her, whether it was being in such close proximity to him or if it really was hormones from her pregnancy, but she couldn't stop herself. She leaned over and kissed him.

A million and one emotions swirled through her body - love, lust, joy, betrayal, guilt - she didn't know which one was strongest. Her hand moved to clutch at the back of his neck, and for a second, just a brief second - she felt him kiss her back.

He pulled away after that, looking at her with a question in his eye. It was only then that Lily realised what she had done, and her face flamed, hot red spots appearing in her cheeks.

"I'm so sorry..." she wouldn't look at him, _couldn't_look at him. _What__the__hell__where__you__thinking,__Lily?__You__could__have__just__destroyed__everything!_

It was a moment of weakness, and she couldn't allow herself that. Not with a child on the way. She couldn't set herself up for any more hurt.

Sirius let out an awkward laugh. "No problem... pregnancy hormones, and all that."

"Yeah," Lily agreed, still not looking at him. However, she was forced to when he knelt down in front of her.

"Lily, you're one of my best friends," he said earnestly, taking her hand. "You always will be. Never forget that."

Lily nodded, fighting back the tears that threatened to spring to her eyes. "Thanks for being there, Sirius," she said with a smile.

Bittersweet. The word came into her mind again, as Sirius got up and walked away. Being able to spend so much time with him, but never to be with him in that way. What she wanted from Sirius Black, she could never have. She reflected on the second, that brief second, when he had kissed her back. He had, she knew he had. But he would never act on it - he was too loyal a friend to James.

She had meant what she said. She was grateful. Grateful that he was there for her, that he was a part of her life at all. Even if it was just as a friend, she was lucky. Her son or daughter was going to have the best godfather in the world, and the best parents in the world.

Lily would make sure of that.

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**A/N: I do appreciate reviews, whether you liked it or not **


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